Category: Humor

Hey Bike Commuters. Do you ever find yourself cruising on your commute to work in the happily-allocated bike lanes, only to end up dodging weird obstacles and moving individuals peppered on scooters, rollerblades, shopping carts, or rolling dumpsters? I know I have… (Honolulu commuters: think Ala Wai canal bike lane towards downtown, knowhadImean?)

Scoot it, or boot it, scooter!

Well, in the flat bike-loving city of Amsterdam, it seems a similar battle has begun to unfold: Crotch-rocket scooter commuters are fighting for space in the bike lanes with, well, bicycles! How DARE they, you say? Check out this article from the perspective of a London-based bike commuter that was just released today on The Telegraph, called Battle in the Bike Lanes of Amsterdam.

The author takes a look from both sides: one day, she and her partner rent a souped-up scooter and the next day a Dutch cruiser. Only to realize that it’s every commuter for themselves, lanes and lines be Amsterdamned!

The downside is that when you’re on a scooter all you can think about is how many cars you’ve already overtaken and when you’re on a bike all you can think when you see a scooter is “don’t be an idiot, don’t be an idiot, dontbeanidiot!”.

IMHO, there should be enough room for everybody on the streets: cars, bikes, scooters, pedestrians, and public transit. Can’t we all just get along?!

A few years ago, I penned a silly eulogy to a rear derailleur. One of my riding partners reminded me of that the other day when he forwarded the following article, written by the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson:

At first, I couldn’t believe it. No, I said when they told me of the death of my bike. Get away, I said; and then they made me look at the appalling wound, and it was only when I had run my fingers round the almost invisible injury that the news sank in. And then I felt like some relative coming to terms with the loss of a loved one.

Think of Alexander grieving for his favourite mount Bucephalus, or Wellington mourning the death of the great Copenhagen. After eight years of uncomplaining service, the venerable steed had charged his last. This was the bike that had taken me every day to distant parts of London, carried me into battle in two elections, heard my agony as I cursed up hills and listened in reassuring silence to my whispered rehearsals for the speech I would have to make when I arrived.

Read the rest of his eulogy by clicking here. I’ve got to say that Boris outdid me…his eulogy is eloquent and heartfelt. It’s worth a read!

Have you ever been 5-foot-n-change and tried to hang your bike vertically on moving transportation? Well, I have! This week my combo commute took a rainy Cantaloupe and I for quite a ride as we perfected the Art of Racking. And by Art of Racking, of course I am referring to hanging your bike on wall or ceiling-mounted vertical racks. From bike storage rooms to moving TriMet MAX cars, you TOO can hang your bike vertically despite being vertically challenged!


Blurry photos… because I’m just that unstable on public transit. (Look, the doors are open, it wasn’t even moving yet)

This “How To” is a feat worth sharing and a basic commuter skill that everyone should keep in their cerebral saddle bag. Here’s a picture narrative of how to get a heavy-ass steel steed like Cantaloupe all vertically racked up without spazzing out and injuring bystanders:






And… TADA!!! Vertically racked and totally stacked.


Cantaloupe and the Art of Racking

Now, go ahead and make humping and straddling jokes all you want, but smashing the saddle of the bike into your stomach really makes it much easier to balance a heavy bike and navigate the front tire up onto the hook. Other options include growing taller, asking for help, or riding a lighter bike. I’ll stick with stomach-saddle-smashing for a perfect 10 in the Art of Racking.


Wow. I mean, WOW. Were you guys out on the bike last night? Did you feel the wind cutting through every piece of you that was not covered at least twice in layers as you caught every light on that downhill?

I DID! Cantaloupe is a beast, with her new sweet fenders. How could I resist a cold as ice night commute?

Let’s back up a bit. It’s in the 20’s here in Portland, and this girl has Hawaii body-core temperature still coursing through her veins, so don’t laugh at the pathetic attempt at layering if you are a seasoned winter warrior (you guys should leave tips in the comment box below, instead). I know some of you commuters are out there pedal-pushing in the single digits. Brrrrrmmmmnesota.

I’ve taped this photo to the inside of my front door for inspiration… it keeps me from wein-ing out and opting for a run for the bus:

Okay, so I did get a major flat and had to sprint for the bus the other day, only to find out that I had zero cash on me. Fail! Crap monkey, where did I leave my teleportation device…

My neighbors and I biked home together at about 7pm, or 20-something degrees o’clock here in Portland. And I am proud to say that I somehow survivor-ed the coldest commute of my life. How did my sissy-la-la pants make it happen?

Layers, Cycle Gators… layers! And lots of them. I’m no expert on looking fly riding home in the cold, but here was this night’s order of operations:

  • Step 1: Pull on your skivvies and cover up your underparts… Cycle ladies and gents, I would not recommend anything that’s gonna give your crotch a case of seam anxiety, but that is a very personal choice. Y’all know what works with your saddle, and what doesn’t – immediately!
  • Step 2: Pull on some Darn Tough wool crew socks.
  • Step 3: Next, some super-high waisted fleece-lined leggings. Do Cycle dudes wear leggings? No, but some kind of bike base layer tights might do the trick. Just ask Jack.
  • Step 4: Then your outer layer of pantalones. I chose the Chrome Vanya knicker for it’s stretchiness and crotch action (make sure you follow Step 1, re: crotch anxiety).

Getting warm yet, people? Okay… Keep going to the top layers:

  • Step 5: T shirt/tank/base. I wore a cotton tee tucked into my leggings/tights.
  • Step 6: Long sleeve zip-up running jacket thing. Stretchy, thumb-holey, and a freebie from my stepmom via Costco.
  • Step 7: Oh yeah, ANOTHER long sleeve, with more stretchiness, a super long back to cover my butt, and a high collar from that Lululemon review back in the day.
  • Step 8: Fruffy vest. Marshmallow it and warm up your core! I love puffy vest like my future unborn child.
  • Step 9: Patagonia Torrentshell with pit zips open and hood tucked in.

Seriously, everybody on bikes looks like this today. All color combo Do’s and Don’ts go out the window for this weather, kids. I look like a bag of Skittels had a civil war on my torso.

And on to the peripherals (“I see a ficus tree…”):

  • Step 10: North Face gloves: inadequate – not cycling specific, but it’s all I got right now.
  • Step 11: Ear grips over ponytail.
  • Step 12: Buff over the neck, over the ear grips, ponytail, and up to the top of my head like a wetsuit hood.
  • Step 13: Shoes, helmet, and the obligatory Mir fannypack.

So, yeah. It did the trick. More winter wonderful commuting tips coming your way. In the meantime, hook us up in the comments box with your favorite or newly-discovered layering goodies. Go eat a bag of tiny donuts, cold weather! Props to all the winter pedal peoples out there.